Saturday, April 13, 2013

Good News

Excellent news, really. It turns out that not all of the introductory history was all that hard to fix. All I had to do was cross it out and write "Then, several hundred pages of irrelevant tangent happened."

It was so easy. Less sarcasm involved, of course, but there are worse things in life.

Here is my favorite of those pages:

Roran married Katrina, who was pregnant. For the first time in a long while, Eragon was happy.

Then Murtagh, Thorn, and a group of Galbatorix'smen attacked the Varden. Again. With the help of the elves, Eragon and Saphira were able to hold them off, but neither Eragon nor Murtagh could defeat the other. It was a difficult battle, for Galbatorix had enchanted the soldiers so that they felt no pain. The Varden suffered many casualties.

Afterward, several hundred pages of irrelevant tangent happened.

Roran served alongside the Varden, and he rose through their ranks, for he proved himself a skilled warrior and a leader of men.

Then, more irrelevant tangent happened, and Orik was chosen to succeed his uncle as king.

Eragon and Saphira returned to Du Weldenvarden, because they really liked flying back and forth from one end of an enormous, enemy-occupied country to the other.

I also rather liked this bit:

Because, I mean really, Murtagh had them beaten. Why the heck did all the bad guy armies just up and leave? Maybe I remember something wrong, but whatever. It still seems arbitrary.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Great Googly Moogly

I'm not sure if anyone got through the "In the beginning" section of this book. I had to try, because I was unwilling to re-read the first three books before I delved into this one. But I just couldn't do it. About halfway through, my eyes started to bleed. As bad as the rest is, this intro is THE WORST.

It may or may not surprise you to learn that I can not save this intro. Not if my life depended on it. (Well, at least not without the manipulation that a digital copy would allow.) Since I'm stuck with a printed version, where the sentences will remain in the order they were put in, I can only do so much.

Thus, I would like to introduce you to "The Sarcastic Re-telling of the History of Alagaesia".

Page 1:

In the beginning, there were dragons: proud, fierce, and independent. All who gazed upon them despaired, for their beauty was great and terrible. 
"All" meaning "themselves", as no one else lived in Alagaesia yet. 
They lived alone in the land of Alagaesia for ages uncounted, until the god, Helzvog, got bored and made the stout and sturdy dwarves from the stone of the Hadarac Desert. 
Then the elves sailed to Alagaesia from across the silver sea. Not, of course, to be confused with Tolkien's elves, who sailed away across the sea. 
They warred with the dragons. They would have destroyed the dragons, even as the dragons would have destroyed the elves, but they didn't quite manage it. Instead, a truce was struck, and a pact sealed between the dragons and the elves. By this joining, they created the Dragon Riders, who kept peace throughout the land of Alagaesia for thousands of years. 
A tough job, that. There were so many bad guys around... wait. Scratch that. 
Then the humans sailed to Alagaesia, from nowhere in particular. Around the same time came the horned Urgals, and the Ra'zac, who are the hunters and eaters of men's flesh. Now there are bad guys around. This is where the Riders keep the peace. 
The humans also joined the pact with the dragons. 
(This is where the history becomes relevant to the story.) 
Quite a long time later, a young Dragon Rider, Galbatorix, rose up against his own kind. He enslaved the black dragon, Shruikan, and convinced thirteen other riders to follow him.

I'm having fun with the sarcastic bits, but I can't decide if I'll do that for the real book part, or actually try to make it halfway decent. I may not be able to resist the temptation toward sarcasm. But we'll see.

I also don't know if I'll post too many full pages on here, or just give examples every once in a while. Also yet to be seen.

Till next time, peace out.

What Not to Do in a Series Finale: Lesson 1

The time has come at last! Finally, after much searching, I located a cheaply priced available copy. The red pens are warm. The bad prose is aggravating. The night is young. And off we go!

And just in case you didn't believe I was really gonna do it, think again. There is no turning back now. 

But what about that "lesson 1" bit in the title? Here it goes. 

Lesson 1: When writing the history of your world, do NOT start every other sentence with the word "and". 

Just don't. I mean seriously. Do you see the sheer number of blue arrows on this page? (Not to mention that run on sentence at the bottom.) And it's only the first of many! (Hehe. Did you see what I did there?) 

Needless to say, they will be the first things to go.

In summary: write like you're not a three-year-old doing show and tell.

Also, can we talk about how the dragons were in the beginning, and all who gazed on them despaired because of their beauty, but they lived alone for long ages before the dwarves were created... Yeah, so that happened.