Starsea Horizons

Hello, friends. It’s been a good long while since I posted anything on any of my blogs. Not even the Surface of the Sun one where I rant about stuff all the time. Twitter has become my new outlet. 😉

Yes, I am that author.

But actually, Twitter has a really good community of authors, editors, and artists. I love that about it.

But I do need to get back to posting about writing. Tumblr flash fiction doesn’t quite cover that. So here I am. Back. From outer space.

(10 points for everyone who laughed at my song reference.)

To get my re-emergence started, here’s a thing I wrote recently that ended up pretty cool. It’s a bit of fluff for a game world my friend and I designed.

The starsea is a sort of flat-world system with islands that float in a sea of stardust. It has two moons, a whole pantheon of gods and goddesses, and a strong seafaring culture between all the worlds. There are exotic lands, flying islands, and stardust monsters the likes of which few see, and still return to tell the tale.

Enjoy.

“If anything’s to be said about the starsea, it should be that nothing else in all the worlds is so good at turning a simple man into a poet. At making a pauper feel royal, or filling a child’s mind with dreams of glorious possibilities.

The way it looks serene, but teems with perilous beasts. How it carries the living, but consumes the dead. Just like the queen of the gods, the Starsea is full of dualities. It’s a reflection of divinity.

I wasn’t a poet. I guess I still ain’t, cept when I’m up in the crows nest, and the stardust sparkles in the light of the moons. When all around me is quiet and crystalline and goes on forever.  

I can’t help feeling that my words won’t do justice to the vastness and majesty of that space between spaces. I don’t know as anyone’s could. But that’s the thing about the starsea: it makes you try anyway.

It fills you with a longing for far off places, and unseen sights. It makes you want to write all the words that ain’t never been written, and sing all the songs that ain’t never been sung. It takes you right up to the end of reality itself, and then, once you’ve seen the edge of all things, its currents carry you safely back home again.”

—Midshipman Freddie Stoneward, A.C.N. Valiant, 1867 BICR

Good News

Excellent news, really. It turns out that not all of the introductory history was all that hard to fix. All I had to do was cross it out and write "Then, several hundred pages of irrelevant tangent happened."

It was so easy. Less sarcasm involved, of course, but there are worse things in life.

Here is my favorite of those pages:

Roran married Katrina, who was pregnant. For the first time in a long while, Eragon was happy.

Then Murtagh, Thorn, and a group of Galbatorix'smen attacked the Varden. Again. With the help of the elves, Eragon and Saphira were able to hold them off, but neither Eragon nor Murtagh could defeat the other. It was a difficult battle, for Galbatorix had enchanted the soldiers so that they felt no pain. The Varden suffered many casualties.

Afterward, several hundred pages of irrelevant tangent happened.

Roran served alongside the Varden, and he rose through their ranks, for he proved himself a skilled warrior and a leader of men.

Then, more irrelevant tangent happened, and Orik was chosen to succeed his uncle as king.

Eragon and Saphira returned to Du Weldenvarden, because they really liked flying back and forth from one end of an enormous, enemy-occupied country to the other.


I also rather liked this bit:



Because, I mean really, Murtagh had them beaten. Why the heck did all the bad guy armies just up and leave? Maybe I remember something wrong, but whatever. It still seems arbitrary.

Great Googly Moogly

I'm not sure if anyone got through the "In the beginning" section of this book. I had to try, because I was unwilling to re-read the first three books before I delved into this one. But I just couldn't do it. About halfway through, my eyes started to bleed. As bad as the rest is, this intro is THE WORST.

It may or may not surprise you to learn that I can not save this intro. Not if my life depended on it. (Well, at least not without the manipulation that a digital copy would allow.) Since I'm stuck with a printed version, where the sentences will remain in the order they were put in, I can only do so much.

Thus, I would like to introduce you to "The Sarcastic Re-telling of the History of Alagaesia".

Page 1:

In the beginning, there were dragons: proud, fierce, and independent. All who gazed upon them despaired, for their beauty was great and terrible. 

"All" meaning "themselves", as no one else lived in Alagaesia yet. 

They lived alone in the land of Alagaesia for ages uncounted, until the god, Helzvog, got bored and made the stout and sturdy dwarves from the stone of the Hadarac Desert. 

Then the elves sailed to Alagaesia from across the silver sea. Not, of course, to be confused with Tolkien's elves, who sailed away across the sea. 

They warred with the dragons. They would have destroyed the dragons, even as the dragons would have destroyed the elves, but they didn't quite manage it. Instead, a truce was struck, and a pact sealed between the dragons and the elves. By this joining, they created the Dragon Riders, who kept peace throughout the land of Alagaesia for thousands of years. 

A tough job, that. There were so many bad guys around... wait. Scratch that. 

Then the humans sailed to Alagaesia, from nowhere in particular. Around the same time came the horned Urgals, and the Ra'zac, who are the hunters and eaters of men's flesh. Now there are bad guys around. This is where the Riders keep the peace. 

The humans also joined the pact with the dragons. 

(This is where the history becomes relevant to the story.) 

Quite a long time later, a young Dragon Rider, Galbatorix, rose up against his own kind. He enslaved the black dragon, Shruikan, and convinced thirteen other riders to follow him.

I'm having fun with the sarcastic bits, but I can't decide if I'll do that for the real book part, or actually try to make it halfway decent. I may not be able to resist the temptation toward sarcasm. But we'll see.

I also don't know if I'll post too many full pages on here, or just give examples every once in a while. Also yet to be seen.

Till next time, peace out.

What Not to Do in a Series Finale: Lesson 1

The time has come at last! Finally, after much searching, I located a cheaply priced available copy. The red pens are warm. The bad prose is aggravating. The night is young. And off we go!

And just in case you didn't believe I was really gonna do it, think again. There is no turning back now. 

But what about that "lesson 1" bit in the title? Here it goes. 

Lesson 1: When writing the history of your world, do NOT start every other sentence with the word "and". 

Just don't. I mean seriously. Do you see the sheer number of blue arrows on this page? (Not to mention that run on sentence at the bottom.) And it's only the first of many! (Hehe. Did you see what I did there?) 

Needless to say, they will be the first things to go.

In summary: write like you're not a three-year-old doing show and tell.

Also, can we talk about how the dragons were in the beginning, and all who gazed on them despaired because of their beauty, but they lived alone for long ages before the dwarves were created... Yeah, so that happened.

The Paolini Project

Never, in my entire reading career, have I been so disappointed with the ending of a series as I was with Inheritance. Granted, after Brisingr, my expectations were fairly low. But even then... *shakes head*

In order to rectify this grave dissatisfaction, I have developed "The Paolini Project". It will involve:

(1) Used copy of Inheritance
(1) Red Pen (unless more are needed)

Yes, my friends. I intend to do the unthinkable. I will desecrate a book. I will destroy someone else's artistic work in order to satisfy my own, personal agenda.

Why would I do such a thing? How could a book lover and library employee stoop to such drastic vandalism?

Well, like I said, worst series ending EVER.

But in case that isn't convincing enough, here are a few more reasons:

• I own the first three in the series, and I like complete sets. But I just can not bring myself to own such a disappointing tome of uselessness.
• Though I waited for YEARS to get some closure on this story, I still am not satisfied. I need some good resolution.
• They forgot to run it by an editor before heading to the presses. The poor book is missing out on the good scrub down that most manuscripts get. We owe it to him. 
• I work for free anyway. 
• I'm seriously doing him a favor. 
• Paolini deserves it. (See my diatribe below.)
• Normally, the last book of any series is my favorite, because I love watching everything come together. All the clues and story lines and drama finally merge into one epic explosion of awesomeness. Or at least they're supposed to.

Mainly it's the closure thing, though. I just can't let it go. 

The Diatribe (Or, "things to address when I take my red pen to the book")

Have I mentioned all of the reasons why Christopher Paolini is on my black list forever? Well, actually I think I have. Several times. But I'm going to do it again. And if, by the end of this post, you are not convinced that my project is a most worthy and admirable cause, I shall here warn you not to read the next several posts. It may damage your soul to see what I am doing to this book.

1) Worst writing ever.

Here's the thing. Sure, Eragon and Eldest weren't the most amazing books ever. There were a lot of amateur mistakes and dreadful prose. And sure, it only got famous because mommy and daddy published it for him. But come on. The kid was 15 when he started writing a book that was good enough to make him rich and famous. And only 19 when it got published by knopf and became a NYT bestseller. That's cool!

And even more cool was the fact that there was a pretty decent story going on in there. I mean, no one's first-ever book is all that good. (Except for Rowling. And even then, HP book 1 is really not the best of the bunch.) But there was so much potential, and so much cool stuff. And it was pretty amazing for a 15 year old.

But books are supposed to get better, as authors write more. The ends are always better than the beginnings. The critiques, and the hard work, and all the publishing experience are supposed to mold a mediocre author into a decent one, and a good author into a great one.

At 15, it was awesome that Eragon was as good as it was. But at age 25 (after a ten year writing career), Brisingr failed to impress. In fact, the writing had already gotten slightly worse, because NYT bestselling authors don't have to make excuses for bad stuff or succumb to harsh editors.

And by age 28, when Inheritance came out, the writing which should have been an epic culmination of 13 years professional writing experience... well, it flopped. Bad. Inheritance is 800 pages long, and at least 300 of those pages are completely irrelevant.

I expect more from people who claim to be professional. I expect prose to be less painful than using "the sun slowly rose over the terminating line of the earth." What, you're too good for "horizon"?

One should always improve. One should not grow self-important and pretend like everything one does is perfection incarnate.

2) And yet... AND YET the first two were good enough that I needed to know what happened next. I needed closure. I needed to see how things resolved. Despite all of the imperfections, I NEEDED TO READ ON.

But did I get that closure? Nope. Was I satisfied? Nope. 13 barking years of writing, and several of me waiting for that writing, and I'm still sitting here dissatisfied.

3) Also, I never did figure out what "inheritance" has to do with anything. It's called the Inheritance Cycle, which would lead you to believe that Eragon would, at some point, inherit something. Mostly likely something important. If you know what it is, do tell me.

4) Timing. 3 years in between each book is not an appropriate time period for a hot item. 3 years is long enough that no one can remember what happened in the last book. It's long enough to feel like the next one must have gotten cancelled, and we'll never know what happens.

Yes, I know it's hard to write an entire book in less than 3 years (allowing time for editing and proofing.) Trust me, I really do know. But if I can write a semi-legible story in 30 days during nano, and if Rowling can write and publish six sequels and 2 supplemental books between 1997 (When book 1 came out) and 2007 (when #7 came out), and if the majority of authors in the world can keep their sequels to every 2 years or less, then Paolini could have too.

5) I have a theory that the timing was partly about work ethic. Rowling knew what it was like to have to scrape by. I know what it's like to have to scrape by (though not as a single parent on social security, like she was. I've got it way good compared to that.) But Paolini's never had a real job in his life. He finished high school at 15 and just bummed around his parents' house doing whatever he wanted and writing whenever he wanted and not having to care.

He never had to get a job to pay for food or rent or college tuition. By the time he was old enough to move out on his own, he was rich and famous. I watched an interview with him, once, where he admitted to playing video games way too much and not spending enough time on writing.

When you're publishing for an audience, writing is a career, not a hobby, and should be treated as such. It's unprofessional to take 3 years to write the next book just because you can, and anyway that video game was so awesome.

6) And then there are the numerous problems with the ending itself. The worst of which was the relationship thing.

Nothing in this wide world will anger readers more than watching a crush turn into a legitimate romantic possibility over the course of 4 very long books, and then in the last couple chapters "Oh, by the way, they can't be together because of this arbitrary reason I just cooked up last minute. Neener neener."

You just can not do that.

Ok, you can. It is your art, and you do make the choices. But if you want people to not hate you, you can not do that. There are only two viable choices in this type of situation. They get together OR some problem that has been cropping up over and over again since the beginning of the story has finally made them decide that it wasn't meant to be, and all ends bittersweetly. Arbitrary veering away at the last moment is contrived, implausible, and REALLY annoying.

Especially when it happens with all of the couples in the whole story. No one gets together except for Roran and his wifey, which really doesn't count because they were practically engaged when the first book opened. Besides, Roran is lame anyway.

But the point is, good story telling doesn't lead you on in one direction for a few thousand pages, and then suddenly jump into an entirely different game plan. Even the most wicked plot twists don't do that. When all is said and done, things should make sense, even if we don't like it. Inheritance's ending did not make sense.

7) Speaking of arbitrary conveniences, Inheritance is chock full of them. There are several times when interesting things almost happened. Really bad drama almost ensued. But at the last moment, some stupid little convenience cropped up that totally eliminated all the peril from the situation.

The most annoying of which is the part where Eragon and Arya get drunk on some special elven wine stuff. They're totally plastered and out for the count, when suddenly the camp gets attacked!

This could have been a very dramatic part. The two highest defenders of the camp get caught with their trousers down, and they have to not only try to fight while dead to the world, but live with the consequences when they fail. Every bad thing that happens will weigh on their consciences.

Oh, no! How will they fight like that? What will happen to the camp? Drama! Tragedy! Guilt!

Or, Arya could just snap her fingers and conveniently have a way to magically get rid of their drunkeness, thus completely eliminating any possible purpose of having that drinking scene at all. And thus causing the ensuing battle to become exactly like every other battle that ever happens in the past 3 books. Well done. Not.

I could go on for a long time about this, but I've gone on too long already. I think you've got the point.

Well, see you next time, with red pen in hand, on "What Not to Do in a Series Finale: Lesson 1".

Update: That is, if I can find an old copy. It's turned out to be harder than expected. Every store has all three of the others, but none of Inheritance. I can't decide whether it's because people actually want it, or because they wised up by the end, and no one actually bought it to begin with. 

NANOpalooza

I've done Nanowrimo every November for the past several years.

For those who don't know what that is, it's the time of year where everyone who's ever even pretended to write a story for any reason disappears off the face of the planet.

Reason: Insanity. Complete, total, utter insanity. They're all hunkering down at their computers and tablets and notebooks, trying to force their poor, aching fingers to bang out fifty thousand words of a novel in only thirty days.

Do you know how much 50k is? Well, the average Young adult novel is between 60-90k. That's a lot of words in only 4 weeks. And if you don't think so, you've obviously never tried it.

The Nano people send out a lot of motivational messages, and most of them are really great messages. Words of hope and light in a time of gloom and despair.

But here's the thing. Whether we like it or not, at least 70% of the Nano participants will never be published novelists. (Maybe more.)

Sure, grouch at me for being a naysayer, but it's true. Most people write that novel during nano while still keeping a real life job or raising a family. And most of those people aren't going to change all that just because of 30 days of literary insanity.

So what's the point? Why bother?

Well, the interesting thing about Nano is that it holds a learning opportunity for someone in any field. I'd venture to say that the crazy days and late nights are always worth it, even if that novel never sees the light of day. Even if it's terrible. Even if it's the worst literary creation since 50 Shades of Grey  the beginning of time.

Here's why:

This year's Nano has been my awesomest ever. I am kicking everyone's butts, and it's making me feel like I rule the world. (Literally, I am crushing all of you!!) Even if you never publish your novel, you accomplished something crazy. Like literally, bats in the belfry crazy. And you rocked it.

Everyone who's ever finished Nano is a tougher, more competitive person because of it. And it's not because it was easy. It's because it was ridiculously freaking hard.The only side-effects are increased self-confidence, richer imagination, and fuller lives. (And maybe a caffeine hangover.)

Thus it is in the non-literary world.

One of the craziest, and awesomest, things about humankind is that we have this built in competitive gene that makes us rise above disaster, overcome trials, and never give up.

We all have that ability. But sometimes we feel like it's pointless.

Guess what. It isn't.

If there's one thing I've learned from Nano, it's that you absolutely, no questions about it, always have to keep fighting harder. No matter what.

You'll never be anyone if the competition cows you. No dreams come true. No goals get reached. Nada. Zilch. ничего. Niente. Nichts. Rien. Naught.

Make the competition build you up. Force it to make you fight harder. Let those hard things make you stronger.

Do Not let the hard stuff squash you.

When something comes at you, don't be the person that they peel off the floor. Make them drag you out kicking and screaming.

We can't always control whether we win or lose. We can't even control what said trials are, most of the time. But we can control what it turns us into.

"Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winningest-winner of all.
FAME! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. 

"Except when they don't.
Because sometimes they won't.  

"I'm afraid that sometimes you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you." 

So what's the point? Why bother?

Well, the only side-effects are increased self-confidence, richer imagination, and fuller lives.

You're a tougher, more competitive person. You're stronger and better and more confident.

Keep in mind what the point of it all is, and you'll never be a failure.

Go out and accomplish something nuts. Something totally, absurdly, completely, insanely impossible. And even if you never get published, or never make CEO, or never star in a blockbuster movie, you'll never regret it.

"And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 3/4 percent guaranteed.) 

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!"

Go write a 50k novel in 30 days. I dare you.

I double dare you.

I TRIPLE DOG DARE you.

Ready... Set... GO

"So...

be your name Bubaum or Bixby or Bray

or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'shea

you're off to great places!

Today is your day!

Your mountain is waiting

So... get on your way!"

The Ultimate #1 Reason Why Scared-of-chick-flick Guys Are Idiots

What you get when you watch sports and stupid guy movies:

What you get when you watch something cute:

Or at least get her opinion on the matter:

Think about it.

** Addendum: Yes, yes, I know. There are girls who truly enjoy watching sports.

BUT

If you want this:

Then tread carefully. When taken to inconsiderate extremes, sports, exactly like video games, will annoy the living daylights out of your wife, no matter how much she enjoys football. Therefore, my point still stands. 


Watch them WITH her, not INSTEAD of her. 

Some culture

I don't know why, but poetry is considered culture, even if it's pretty bad. So today I give you some culture. Not good culture, mind you, but... something.


"Don't like me how I am? Well screw you."
That's what they all say
And I do too...
It's not change that I'm afraid of
It's not settling for less
It's not making excuses
For not being my best

No fear, that's me
Usually

But I have a confession
(One small fear)


It's not settling for less
Just like I said 
It's wanting something and getting nothing instead


When you send away everyone
Who'd make you conform
Is there anyone left
Who'd weather the storm?
Who'd love all your quirks
Bad days and all?
To act as a net every time that you fall?

All those people who'd force you to be something you're not
Aren't worth it
Good riddance
But then, what have you got?

When they're all gone 
The question will be
Is there anyone left to love me for me?






Sorry if that's a little bit of a downer. It's just something that discovered a few days ago. But in case it was too sad, this ought to help:

Yokes

This is a yoke.



People like the pioneers used these to hook oxen to the front of their covered wagons.

Know what's super cool about yokes?

Let's pretend that Oxen 1 can pull 1,000 pounds all by itself. 

And let's say that Oxen 2 is just about the same size. It can also pull 1,000 pounds all by itself. 

You would think, then, that together they could pull 2,000 pounds. 

You would be wrong.  

They can pull more.That's what is so cool about yokes. That simple little bit of wood makes is so that the two animals, when working together, can actually get more done than either of them could separately. 

Now, look at this with your What-does-this-mean-for-me-in-my-own-life eyes. 

Weird Things and Scotland

I can't handle things right now.

The worst part is that I don't know what or why. *shrug* I'm not angry, sad, scared, stressed, overworked, exhausted, or panicked. Just... weird.

That's the best I've got. Weird.

It all started with the Leviathan trilogy. Over the past two weeks I've been listening to the audiobooks, and they're super good. (See this post where I freaked out about how insane they made me.)

They were super engaging. The characters were amazingly real and relatable. The conflict stressed me out on a Mockingjay level. (See here) There really were points where I was pounding my head into my pillows because I just couldn't handle it.

And every time I try to explain it all to people, I get a little crazy. Ask Daphne. Or Samantha.

I finished the last one at 6:50 am (Yes that's correct) saturday night/sunday morning. It is now 2 days later. And I CAN NOT get them out of my head. Every time I stop doing something, they come back. I read a 400 page book that I'd been waiting for, for 6 months, and Deryn and Alek are still there. They are haunting me. My brain is actually, literally obsessed.

And it's making me feel weird. Not creeped out weird. Weird like the main character in a book who is totally falling for the guy, but has no idea that she is, and is utterly confused about what all those feelings mean. That same confused-ness.

At least, I think it's Leviathan & co that are doing it. It could be something else. But since all of my un-busy thoughts are obsessed with the trilogy, it's hard not to associate the two.

By this point, the post is almost as confused as I am. Basically, I feel weird, and I don't know why, and my brain is obsessed with these books and WILL NOT let me move on with life.

There are things that would make so much more sense to be obsessed with.

Like Ewan McGregor in a kilt.
















Or David Tennant in a Tardis.

Or Gerard Butler in anything.

















Random. All of these people are Scottish. I'm sensing a theme here....

ANYWAY

Yeah, I just don't know what's going. And I thought that maybe writing a post about it would help. I don't think it did. But oh well. I guess there are worse things to have haunting you than a really good book. Or scottish men.

*Update*

hmmm... Deryn is scottish. My brain is speaking to me in a scottish accent. All these randomly chosen guys are scottish. That must be the answer: I need to go to Scotland.

Girls Who Read - Mark Grist

Watch this: (Response to follow)




This is awesome. The guy is alright. Then he starts talking. And he becomes amazing. Feel free to watch it multiple times.

But for this post, I was really interested in the comments to the video. It was an extremely fascinating study on   society.

They started out, unsurprisingly, with "awesome" or "great stuff" or "nice". The usual for just about any similar video.

Then the video hit some girl's facebook or tumblr, and loads of her friends started watching it. Again, the comments are completely usual and expected. Most are like these:


"I am absolutely melted right now. I'm sure you get this a lot, but where have you been all my life?
- mediocritea"


"BRAVO! Being a girl who reads myself, I am completely awestruck by this. Job well done ♥
-pruedence110588"


"As a voracious reader myself, I just went a little fan-girly. Thanks for making us bookworms feel special :)
-whackybarbiedoll "

These are obviously girls who really do read:

"This made the all-nighter I'm pulling off for my thesis just so much better. Thanks for putting a smile on my face!
-francygermany"


"score one for the gentleman. Men like you are the reason girls like me have standards. Edna St. Vincent Millay would be proud!
-0cicer0 "

This one surprised me a little. "I love this so much! I had no idea there were men who actually liked girls who read! :-) This is so sexy!!
-Wisegoddess" 

And, of course, the ever present "I want to marry this man! -laradoodleann" and  "Restoring my faith in men! -SuperJaVw"

After this is where the social study got interesting. It is here that we can tell the difference between a real gentleman and a royal deuschbag.

Gentleman:

"Very well said man! I'm with you! Of course all those "bits" are wonderful but more is required in the long run. Besides, all those bits will eventually grow old, as will my bits. But, even when we're 80, we will be able keep each other amused and entertained with our minds, hopefully.
-rlc164"


"Couldn't agree more, good sir!
-DJChrisSee"


Buttwipe:

"Nah, it's tits every time.
-hstaubyn"


"what if shes fat
-TheDataDwarf "

"@TheDataDwarf  hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
-Rhiannapencil"


"All I have to do is recite this poem and women will swoon over me too? Sweet.
-Ayelis" Someone else replied to this, basically saying, No, moron. You have to actually mean it.

And a few of these: "This comment has received too many negative votes -ryansvxr" I un-hid the comment to see what it said. Yeah, it was downright rude.

I thought this one was especially interesting, though. I would like to discuss it.


I like a girl who reads and has a mind of her own, but girls why are you all saying and I quote “Restoring my faith in men" and "I think I'm in love" have you met the guy? He could be a complete prick for all you know!
It’s funny how certain people will make assumptions about somebody after watching something that has been carefully prepared and presented on you tube.
Doc25034103 

The poster of the video answered:


"Not carefully prepared but shot on the hoof on a mobile and he's as genuine as he appears in this scene. Honesty resonates. Worth remembering that Doc.
-MarietteGemini"

Which answers the question about the carefully prepared bit. And also shows that this guy isn't just faking it to win chicks. But what I'm really interested in is the first part, where Doc asks about why all the girls are getting swoony over this poem.

To you, Doc, though you'll probably never see this post, I give an answer.

I refer you first to the type of comments found in the "buttwipe" section. After revisiting those, I refer you back to "I love this so much! I had no idea there were men who actually liked girls who read! :-) This is so sexy!!
-Wisegoddess"


You see, because of the jerks and deuschbags of the world, there are actually girls out there who honestly don't know this. A lot of crappy guys get the girls based entirely on the fact that the girl doesn't know there's a better choice.

But even among those of us who do know, it's almost entirely an intellectual knowledge. We know in our minds that these guys exist. But the sheer number of morons out there makes it easy to lose hope that we'll ever find one. We begin to feel like it might just be a fairy tale wish that only comes true for the occasional cinderellas out there. And we certainly aren't cinderellas.

 Guys always want this. But this does NOT =

This. Most of us are this.

The funny thing is, this is so much better than that ^. There's a great deal more substance here than there.

But guys, generally, would rather have a leather belt that's gilded with a thin layer of gold, than a solid gold belt with a protective layer of leather covering it.

Then we watch a video like this. A video where a normal, down-to-earth, totally-honest-about-it guy reminds us that not all males are shallow, testosterone zombies. It makes us feel better. More willing to believe that we'll find one too.

So no, we are not saying that our opinions of all men fly or fall based entirely on one youtube video. And no, we are not saying that we know everything about Mark Grist, or that he is perfect. We aren't making a final judgement on the man. Nor are we saying that all other males are redeemed by his virtues.

You ought to know that humans, by nature, are melodramatic. We all are. So when we say "restores my faith in men" what we mean is "I'd forgotten that good guys exist out there. Thanks for reminding me."

And yes. Thank you, Mark Grist, for reminding us all that there are decent guys out in the world. Hopefully they don't all live on another continent. ;)

You could write a book. "How to Offend Women in 5 Syllables or Less".

This is funny in the movie.

It's not very funny in real life. And sadly, it's pretty accurate for a lot of the male population. And a lot of them don't even realize they're like that.

Bitter is probably the wrong word. I'm not as bad as that. (I don't think, anyway). But some things bother me, even though they shouldn't. Some things hurt my feelings that ought not to matter.

And today, it's this.

Today I read an article by a guy who was trying to explain why some men are royal deuschbags. (Not as an excuse. Just an explanation.)

It didn't change my opinion on guys. Not in the least. But sitting here after the fact, I think I'd rather have not known the whole thought process. Because the guys that I already thought were creepers now seem 50 times worse.

And even though I still know that there are women that are jerks too, and that not all men are disgusting, it's fresh in my mind now. And it's officially ruined broadway for me. Hopefully it's just temporary, though.

Here's what I mean.  


When the girls sing about love in all those musicals, what do they say?

They talk about being loved, and being held close. About having someone care about them, and treat them like no one else does.




What do the guys sing about? Lips, hair, and sparkling in the firelight.



Normally I like this song. But after reading that article, all I could think about it when I heard it was "What else is there?" And it made me sad.

The ugly truth is that, no matter how many times people say "looks don't matter," the fact remains that they do. They matter a great deal.

The mantra, if we said it truthfully, would really be "Looks shouldn't matter. It should be what's on the inside that counts."

That's how life ought to be. And it is, so some extent, and within certain circles. So everything I say here, I qualify with a standing "Lot's of people but not all."

But I ought to know. I've spent the last 9 years watching the dating scene. Watching guys chase the prettiest girls, even when they know nothing about the person inside. Having girls tell me that "if only they knew you, they'd love you as much as we do" only to realize that they aren't going to bother to know me, because there's nothing to catch their attention. Watching the vacant and vacuous get all the dates, just because they're blonde.

I've seen it happen. And that's even here at BYU where the guys are, on average, much less creepy.

Ok, maybe I am a little bitter. But all the same, that really is the way the world works. If you're the type of person that doesn't have so much on the outside, it takes you years longer than everyone else to find someone.

(Side note. No, it's not the being unmarried thing that I'm bitter at. It's the not getting a fair chance, just because I'm not tall, thin, and blonde thing.)

I do honestly wish that the girls were right. That the guys would look inside, and be wowed. But the world isn't like that. And in the mean time, I can't even appreciate the broadway girls who get the guy in the end, because all I keep thinking is "Ugh. The guy always gets the pretty girl. I hate you Cosette."  

So, dear cracked.com article, thank you for ruining things.

I Can Haiku, Can You?

My-ku

You want me to what?
Write a Haiku? You're kidding.
So not happening.

Rubbing Out Joe Kony

This post is about a controversial topic.

I hope to discuss it in a rational and non-biased manner, but it will probably make someone quite angry. It's human nature to willfully misunderstand the people we disagree with. Therefore, I'd like to clear up a few things straight from the get-go.

• I am not a terrorist.
• I don't support terrorists.
• I don't support the kidnapping, drafting, and prostitution of anyone, let alone children.
• Joseph Kony is a criminal. The world would be a better place without his kind of scum.
• I'm not advocating anti-KONY 2012

The entire purpose of this essay is simply this:

I want people to think before they act.

What is KONY 2012?

This is the campaign video for KONY 2012. Watch it. Not only will they explain everything better and more thoroughly than I could, but it will allow you to make an informed decision. You shouldn't just take my opinion and run with it.

I'm trying to get people to think for themselves.

Yes, I realize that it is long. Longer than someone would usually spend on a blog post. But you seem to have time for Youtube or Psych or Big Bang Theory or CSI. If you've got time for fictional shows, you've got time for real life.



Now that you've seen it, you'll understand what I mean by controversy. You can't look at those kids and not want to punch Mr. Kony in the face about 5,000 times.

You can't speak out against this video without feeling like slime.

And anyway, it is very well made. The camera work and cutting are all nicely done. It doesn't try to propaganda you into believing them. I think they are honestly trying to present facts as they are.

But I do have a few problems with it.

Let's think about...

Money.

We're asked to donate money to this cause. We think "yes! I want to make the world a better place!"

- But if you follow the video link to the actual post page, there are credits underneath it. Original music. Royalties for the songs that were borrowed. Producers, directors, animators, cinematography...

None of those guys worked for free. And making good movies doesn't come cheap.

- Those KONY 2012 packages with the bracelets and the posters and whatnot... those had to be paid for too.

- Let's not forget air fare. How many times did these guys fly back and forth to Africa? I did a quick google search for business class flights from my apartment to Uganda. All of the top results ranged from $13,075 to $15,796.

Even if we change to the cheapest flights possible, in economy cabins with about a billion stops, each ticket is well over $2,000. (And somehow I don't think these guys fly coach.)

This isn't counting visas, camera equipment, and living costs.

In summary, what I want to know is how much of my donation is used to build schools in Uganda, and how much is going to pay a professional animator.

Politics

There was an undertone of accusation in the movie. A sort of anger at the fact that the government didn't just pop over to Africa, shoot the guy, and have done with it.

I don't profess to be great with politics. Half the time I don't know what is going on. I rather despise them, in fact.

But I think that part of the reason I despise them is because they can't be ignored. No matter how honorable your cause, if you want to get the government involved, politics come with it. And, as sad as it is, when politics get involved (which they inevitably are with war crimes) you can't just ignore them because you're "doing the right thing".

African countries have governments too. We have to work with them, not go over their heads.

Not to mention that, despite popular opinion, America can't just do whatever it wants. I guarantee you that if we made enough people mad, they could beat us in a war, even if we are technologically superior. It would take an awful lot of them, but they could do it if we tromped on the dignity of enough of them.

In Summary, we hate to admit it, but politics sometimes make it hard to "do the right thing". But we just can't ignore them either.

Warmongering

Has anyone bothered to point out that we're raising money to send U.S. troops to Uganda, where they will train the Ugandan army to invade the Congo?

The LRA hasn't even been in Uganda for a while.

Information

I looked at the linked website to learn more about this whole thing.

http://kony2012.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com/

It's basically just one long page with a bunch of links to click on when you want to spread the word. At the bottom there's a little "about" section. It didn't tell me anything that I hadn't already seen in the video. Then I found a place at the bottom that says "for more information, visit our main website"

http://www.invisiblechildren.com.s3-website-us-east-1.amazonaws.com/

I clicked on it and got even less. Just a banner with a tag line. I hit the "what we do" button, hoping it would take me somewhere. It gave me 2 paragraphs. Again, almost exactly what I'd already seen in the video.

The only interesting thing I found was under the 'programs' tab. It had a (very) brief description of some of the things that are funded, like building schools. But still, nothing substantial.

I was under the impression that the video was made in order to entice us to learn more.

Apparently not.

In their defense, you can access their financial statements on the site, but they're wordy and boring, and not things that I would ever read, even if I was devoted to their cause. It would be nice to just have a simple chart or a spreadsheet.

In summary, that half hour video is ALL the information I can find that is directly from the organization. I'm certainly not giving my money to someone who doesn't give me anything further to go on.

Breast Cancer Awareness

This KONY 2012 program is just another cancer awareness status.

Those drive me nuts.

Not because I have no sympathy for cancer victims. But because we all KNOW that cancer exists. We KNOW that people die from it. Some of us have even known someone personally  who died from it.

So what about it? If I paste my status, will that cure someone? Will it somehow generate research funding? Will it do any good at all?

In order to actually do something about cancer, we have to get off our computers and start taking action. Spreading a facebook status is not action.

And as for Kony, once everyone in the world knows who he is... then what?

Everyone knew who Bin Laden was. It still took 10 years to find him.

Finding the guy

And speaking of which, has anyone bothered to mention that the Democratic Republic of the Congo is a jungle? Conrad didn't call it the Heart of Darkness for nothing.

If it took 10 years to find Bin Laden in a desert, let's think about the chances of finding Kony in a rainforest within the next 8 months.

Hydra

Organizations like the LRA are like hydras. They don't die when you chop off the head. A new head always rises out. Sometimes more than one. And frequently, they're worse than the original head.

Killing Kony isn't going to be a permanent solution.

Kids

If you send in an army to search for Kony and kill him, they're going to have to fight battles. And if they fight battles, they're going to have to kill Kony's soldiers.

Part of what makes Kony so bad is that he kidnaps children and does terrible things to them. He sells the girls for prostitution and trains the boys to be heartless soldiers.

Ergo, his army is made of kids.

You can't  gun down children just to kill one guy. Even if he is evil. Even if he is considered the worst war criminal. You just can't.

One last point

You can judge me for this one. It's just a personal pet peeve. But going back to Bin Laden...

George Bush sent troops after Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Those two guys were just as bad as Kony. One could almost argue that they were worse, since there was an outright attack on American soil. It's a different kind of bad added onto the other already terrible stuff.

After all this, George Bush was called a lot of names. Among them, the 'devil'. Songs were written about how terrible he was.

People cried out against him, saying that his war was unjust. And yet these same people will hand over their money to an organization whose main goal is to get the government to chase Kony like we chased Bin Laden.

The vigilantes are the heroes for doing the same thing that the government is evil for doing.

The only difference between the two situations is that America was attacked. We had strong political motivation to fight back. With Kony, we don't even have easy politics to back up the movement.

In Summary, The hypocrisy astounds me.

Conclusion

I'm not saying you shouldn't support KONY 2012. If you feel like it's the right thing to do, then by all means, do it.

After all, Kony is still a bad guy. And he is still a criminal. And we should still try to stop the guys like him. That's why I talked about this at such length. People should know about stuff like this, even if we don't agree with how it's being handled.

I don't have a viable alternative for the KONY 2012 thing. I'm no good with that sort of thing, even if I did.

But I really don't feel like this vigilante version of the war on terror is the right way to get lasting results.

Utah Just Doesn't Cut It Sometimes

It's not really hate. I just need rural Virginia. I need it like people need air to live. If I didn't get to go home over Christmases at least, I would probably die. Literally.

This song embodies pretty much every nostalgic, homesick-esque, love for the middle of nowhere sentiment that I have right now.





Today was one of those homesick days. It's not homesickness like I miss my mom and dad. Although I do like visiting home too. But it's homesickness like I miss trees, and rolling hills, and good sunrises. And mist in the woods. And winding roads.

And this:

This is the Shenandoah River

This is the Potomac

This is the land between our house and the neighbor.

This is the street where I live.

These are on the street where I live.

Also this:

Texting

Texting is supposed to be the simple, most immediate form of communication.

And it used to be, for me.

But ever since I've been getting my editing groove on, I just can't send quick texts anymore. There's always proofreading, fixing, and it ends up taking me forever. Some things don't even matter, but I have to fix them. I just have to.

Yes, it's kind of a pain. But I suppose it's better than ending up with this:

Or this: 

The Life of a Writer

All the necessary antidotes to writer's block:

Glasses off
Computer on
Chocolate
Fantasy music
Assorted plastic weaponry
Ninja Pants





In case anyone is wondering, yes the katana does help. Meditative pose... not so much.

War

I'm against war.

Anyone with even an ounce of humanity should be.

But you know what else I'm against?

• Innocent people dying for no reason
• Letting evil people have their way
• Watching my family and friends get hurt/killed
• Seeing people's rights get stomped on
• Hiding instead of standing up for important things

Pacifists (in the strictest sense) are opposed to going to war, no matter who or what is involved. There absolutely is no excuse. They duck out of serving in the military. They throw stones and shoot guns at veterans. They picket and whine and groan about how terrible war is.

So it's alright to let Hitler finish his genocide. After all, we wouldn't want a war.

Keep chopping those aristocrats' heads. It's cool.

Xerxes, Alexander, Caesar, and Napoleon all want to become world dictators. nbd.

Yes, war is bad. And there are a lot of wars that didn't need to happen. But wars aren't generally started by the good people, are they? The job of the good people is to stop the bad ones. And you can't do that by sitting around. You can't do it by watching. And you can't do it by being violent toward the people who are trying to help.

When a war starts, the good guys have a choice: fight back, do nothing, or join the other side. Fighting back is bad, because people die in horrible places, doing horrible things.

But isn't it worse to do nothing?

If you say you're a pacifist, all you can do is join the bad guys, or step out of the way and let them carry on. Is there really any difference?

Anyone who has an ounce of humanity will hate war. But anyone with half an ounce of humanity will defend the innocent, protect their families, and try to keep bad from becoming worse.

Agony

I'm kind of in pain right now. For a very good reason, I assure you.

I'm in a contest with 397 other people. We all submitted a picture book manuscript, and now they're being voted on. I'm number 108 right now, which isn't too terrible, all things considered. But that's not what's killing me.

The thing is, all the people who have absurdly high vote counts have really lame stories.

And I honestly don't say that because I'm jealous, or conceited, or have any sort of grand ideas about my own story. I say it out of complete objectivity. They're just... bad.

We're talking misspelled words, run-on sentences, rhymes that don't rhyme, "rhythmic books" that don't have any sort of rhythm at all, preachiness, complete lack of plot...

In short, so many thing that will always cause pain to rational, intelligent human beings. There have been several that I couldn't even finish. I even found a Your vs You're mistake! Authors just shouldn't do that. EVER.

And these people are beating me out by hundreds of votes.

Yeah, it really is more of a popularity contest than anything else. But I still retain one hope: the highest voted stories aren't the only ones that will make it to the finals round. The staff who run the contest get to choose favorites too, and I have a small amount of hope that they are actually competent in the publishing industry.

In other words, I am hoping that they won't allow the grand prize to be taken by someone who can't write worth beans. It may not be me. I hold no grand ideas about being so vastly superior to any of these people. But if it isn't me, I just really hope that the story that wins is at least good.

PS. Vote for me:

http://www.meegenius.com/challenge/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-superhero-by-laserkid-by-sara-ansted

Nano Day the Last

Well I did it. I won Nano, and 4 days early too.

I know I didn't do a spectacular job of keeping up the blog records toward the end. I didn't keep track of my numbers either, except to log them into the nano site. But the important part is that I did it. I broke 50,000 at about 11:25 this, the evening of saturday the 26th of November.

I'm pretty sure you can see the graph on my profile here

http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/zombie-dragon/novels/aurelus/stats

if you really want.

Things I learned?

-Sometimes just pressing on is the most important thing. That can be applied to Nano and life. You'd be surprised what happens when you just wade through the hard parts. They can end up being the best parts.

-"I just don't have time" is code for "I'd like to, but it isn't as important to me as these other things." Again, applicable to Nano and life. Everyone has the same exact 24 hours in their day. What we do with it is entirely up to us. When something is important, you make time. It's always possible. It's just about priorities.

-It's really easy to justify things. Last year during Nano, I ended the first week by being 3 or 4 thousand words ahead of where I needed to be. The second week I started looking at how much a day I had left to do instead of my every day needed goal. Gradually, after being lazy and not writing as much as I could have, I depleted my excess word count and ended up several thousand words behind. So, on the last day, I was on my computer, typing furiously all day, trying to catch up and make it. I did, but only just.

This year was extremely different. I was never behind, even once. I got a good deal of excess my first week, but I ignored it. I pretended I was only exactly on track. I forced myself to still meet the same daily goal every day, even though I was so far ahead. There were days that were slow, and I just didn't make it. But I never had a day where I did less than a thousand, except for one (the wed right before thanksgiving) because I just didn't do any that day. I spent all of it hanging out with people. And doing it that way, I not only won with no stress at all, but four days ahead of time. (a 7,000 word excess).

Which is better? The second, without question. Constancy makes an amazing difference in so many things.

-A lot of things in life are more about determination than anything else. (see my other blog for more in depth on this. http://supremechancellorsra.blogspot.com/2011/11/chariots-of-fire.html )

Well, that's it for tonight, folks. Happy continuing nano to some of you, and here's to learning things about life for the rest of you. :)